Impulse control problems *check*

I'm failing, I don't think there is any other way to put this, that simply I'm failing. It took me so long to write the last blog post again, that, my good intentions that I started with, faded away and left me back at square one as it were. I also realised that I have an impulse control problem, I realise that people who've read my blog posts are probably sitting there thinking, no shit Sherlock, oh course you have one.

Soreen Maltloaf

I can't remember if I mentioned this in one of my other self reflection posts that I did but the realisation hit me like a sledgehammer to the face, when I sat during my break at work and ate two maltloaves, for those who are unfamiliar with this food stuff, its a malty sweet bread, that's a bit like marmite, you either like it or you don't, they are low fat but calorie dense, so one loaf has 690cal but only 4 grams of fat.

Then just last night, I bought myself four cans of beer and although I didn't get happy drunk, I must have gotten drunk as I wolfed down six mini babybel cheeses, six cadbury mini rolls and a clotted cream scone from Asda. I realise that when you're drunk you tend to eat badly due to not being fully in control but I ate the maltloaves when sober, I intended on having a small portion but couldn't help myself, I think deep down I've known that I had this problen which is one of the reasons that I've never touched any kind of class a recreational narcotic, simply because I'd probably end up with a substance abuse problem.

The lovely Quinnbee on Fitocracy said "Don't let the 'maltloaf' undo your amazing work!" which are words I really want to live by but I seem to be in a vicious circle, I eat badly then hate myself for not making better choices, or over eating, then resolve to make better choices and then trip myself up. I seem to be allowing myself to do this, after all, when I started knuckling down at the start of the year and made the progress I've made, I didn't have so many 'food choice accidents' I really don't know what's wrong, its almost like I want to derail my progress, whenever I walk near my local river 'the Tyne' I get a slight urge to throw my phone into the water and I've no idea why, its like I'm determined to say to myself you don't deserve nice things, the same with my health, either I don't want to lose anymore weight and achieve the flat stomach™ or I want to live with the perpetual oh woah is me victim mentality.

I guess part of it stems from the way I've always been, I take an interest in something, then for months, that's the thing that holds my interest, until it suddenly doesn't, I've always done this, with games, programming, tv, reading, blogging etc. it seems that, I'm now losing interest, in getting healthier, which is why I'm not focusing on it as much as I was or should be. I'm still going to the gym but not as often as I should, though saying that, I could do some form of exercise in the house, I'm just not pushing myself into doing that.

So mere weeks after pulling my socks up, it seems my socks have been taken off, washed, dried and hidden in the back of the drawer and I sit here yet again, going over yet another failure in maintaining my diet and exercise routine. With this in mind, I really want to say, that's it I'm pulling up my proverbial socks and getting back to eating properly and exercising more but that seems like a waste of time even typing, I suppse I'll just have to see what happens in the next few weeks and hopefully I'll get myself back on track and continue to get stronger and fitter.

So let's see what the next week brings and if I manage to reignite my interest in my health.

And that's when it all started going wrong.

I had a blog post written that I decided I would hold off publishing until July so I could have a six month roundup of my thoughts on how my resolutions had held up and how I was doing fitness wise, well, since I first put fingers to keyboard on the post and the first day of the seventh month, it all went to hell in a handcart.

My diet is utter dog shit at the moment, I'm trying to avoid eating badly and get more sleep, exercise more and continue to lose the weight I've gained over the last few decades but I seem to be almost deliberately sabotaging myself, I was really happy that I hadn't had anything with alcohol in it for almost six months, I had some in the cupboard that was left over from Christmas, well after I started my new job, I felt like I would have 2 cans in celebration of actually having a job with decent hours, allowing me the luxury of actually having money, instead of basically pocket change.

Now I'm not blaming the new job for this, that would be a stupid thing to do, since the job doesn't force me to eat the things I do, or drink alcohol and stay up till 6am singing songs and drinking, it doesn't keep me awake and cause me to feel too tired to get my arse to the gym, or my fitness classes, my job does none of these things, its just a place I go to earn a living, serving people with things.

The blame is entirely my own, which is why, I've not lost anymore weight since I reached 13st 11lbs (193lbs) in fact, my weight has gone back up, then down and back up again, at my last weigh in, I was 13st 12lbs which I was pleased about, as I've not gone over the 14st mark yet. I keep saying I'll knuckle down and get things back on track and I really mean to but since I'm sitting here writing this post at 3am having drank I'm guessing something with caffeine in it, I'm not feeling particularly tired right now, I guess I'm also lucky that my job has me on shifts that start at 4pm, which would give me enough time to get to the gym, or pool for a bit of exercise.

So, I yet again have made yet another promise to myself, that I will get off my arse and get down to the gym for my fitness classes, stop eating all kinds of unhealthy foods and get back on the no alcohol bandwagon, since it seems I'm drinking a large amount of calories whenever I do have a drink, it isn't just a couple, its much more, like the 2 bottles of weight watchers wine, then the 35cl of rum and full sugar irn bru. 

I just need to get back to it with no I'll just have one last thing then the diet starts tomorrow style fanfare and just start the day eating much better and actually do some exercise and stop staying up so late, hopefully the next time I write about how my journey is going, this will be a slightly large blip but simply that, a blip.

I hope no one thinks this is some form of self pitying whine, all oh woah is me and not my fault type of post, its just me being honest with myself and I guess the rest of the world/people I know, so please don't think of it as that. So I'm going to publish this post, step away from the computer and get my self to bed and push myself off to boxercise in the morning, since I'm hoping to test the bodybugg and see just what I burn with the class.

Uh oh.

As I've already mentioned I started a new job, I've been helping move stock around and filling up the shelves, learning the till and procedures for serving alcohol (miners fine, minors not fine) so I've not really had any time to get to the gym or the pool, I've been really tired after each day, since I must be working hard but it seems my diet hasn't been as healthy as it should have been these last couple of weeks.

My wife helps her friend at weight watchers so, I was able to get myself weighed on a proper set of weigh watcher scales and discovered that I have put back on two and a half pounds, this means I over ate by around 8,750 calories these last few days/weeks which to be honest, I'm not surprised at, I thought that my guestimated exercise was obviously more than it actually was, this means I'm back to where I was three weeks ago. I'm glad to still be under the 14st mark, it just means I'm going to have to stick rigidly to my alloted 1,710 daily calories, since the walk to work and the exercise I'm doing whilst at work, aren't enough obviously.

Still, this is only a minor set back and I should take it as a sign, that my bad eating habits of the last few weeks mean, I can easily start to regain the weight I'm working hard to get rid of, so it's time to knuckle down, since I have no idea of my shift patterns and perhaps do some exercise in the house, or get myself off to the gym/pool instead of just lounging around the house.

As the saying goes onwards and upwards, these things are sent to try us, well things can just bugger off, as far as I'm concerned.