Impulse control problems *check*

I'm failing, I don't think there is any other way to put this, that simply I'm failing. It took me so long to write the last blog post again, that, my good intentions that I started with, faded away and left me back at square one as it were. I also realised that I have an impulse control problem, I realise that people who've read my blog posts are probably sitting there thinking, no shit Sherlock, oh course you have one.

Soreen Maltloaf

I can't remember if I mentioned this in one of my other self reflection posts that I did but the realisation hit me like a sledgehammer to the face, when I sat during my break at work and ate two maltloaves, for those who are unfamiliar with this food stuff, its a malty sweet bread, that's a bit like marmite, you either like it or you don't, they are low fat but calorie dense, so one loaf has 690cal but only 4 grams of fat.

Then just last night, I bought myself four cans of beer and although I didn't get happy drunk, I must have gotten drunk as I wolfed down six mini babybel cheeses, six cadbury mini rolls and a clotted cream scone from Asda. I realise that when you're drunk you tend to eat badly due to not being fully in control but I ate the maltloaves when sober, I intended on having a small portion but couldn't help myself, I think deep down I've known that I had this problen which is one of the reasons that I've never touched any kind of class a recreational narcotic, simply because I'd probably end up with a substance abuse problem.

The lovely Quinnbee on Fitocracy said "Don't let the 'maltloaf' undo your amazing work!" which are words I really want to live by but I seem to be in a vicious circle, I eat badly then hate myself for not making better choices, or over eating, then resolve to make better choices and then trip myself up. I seem to be allowing myself to do this, after all, when I started knuckling down at the start of the year and made the progress I've made, I didn't have so many 'food choice accidents' I really don't know what's wrong, its almost like I want to derail my progress, whenever I walk near my local river 'the Tyne' I get a slight urge to throw my phone into the water and I've no idea why, its like I'm determined to say to myself you don't deserve nice things, the same with my health, either I don't want to lose anymore weight and achieve the flat stomach™ or I want to live with the perpetual oh woah is me victim mentality.

I guess part of it stems from the way I've always been, I take an interest in something, then for months, that's the thing that holds my interest, until it suddenly doesn't, I've always done this, with games, programming, tv, reading, blogging etc. it seems that, I'm now losing interest, in getting healthier, which is why I'm not focusing on it as much as I was or should be. I'm still going to the gym but not as often as I should, though saying that, I could do some form of exercise in the house, I'm just not pushing myself into doing that.

So mere weeks after pulling my socks up, it seems my socks have been taken off, washed, dried and hidden in the back of the drawer and I sit here yet again, going over yet another failure in maintaining my diet and exercise routine. With this in mind, I really want to say, that's it I'm pulling up my proverbial socks and getting back to eating properly and exercising more but that seems like a waste of time even typing, I suppse I'll just have to see what happens in the next few weeks and hopefully I'll get myself back on track and continue to get stronger and fitter.

So let's see what the next week brings and if I manage to reignite my interest in my health.

It was like a bolt from the blue.

I read something on my fitness pal, that was a list of things about fitness and weight loss and it just occurred to me one of those things rings very true. Up till now I've been working towards this 'goal' of losing weight and getting fitter, like it was some quest in a game and not a point in my life's journey. I've been sort of thinking once I reach a certain weight, everything will fall into place and life will be better.

Like once I've reached my goal weight, or rather the goal of a flat stomach, then I'll be done and can chalk it up to a job well done, till I realised, I'm never going to stop actually watching what I'm eating and pushing on with the exercise. It's weird that I've came to this conclusion this far into my journey, what actually surprises me more is that it never properly occurred to me before, merely hinting at the lifestyle change that needed to be made, I guess this realisation has been there in one form or another over the years, since, I've avoided using butter or margarine on anything and eating a healthier variety of bread.

I mentioned this to my wife and her friend, who were having a quiet drink and my wife's friend, who runs a weight watchers class, that she has seem so many people who get to their goal weight, then stop attending the classes, only to return having put on the weight that they lost, I've always known that going back to eating the same foods you ate before you decided to change, would result in the weight pilling back on but the epiphany of knowing with crystal clarity, that I would have to be careful what I ate for the rest of my life, was a bit of a shock.

Still, now that I've had this sudden realisation, I can move on and reach my goal, then carefully maintain my weight, allowing myself treats but ensuring that I exercise enough to compensate for the calories that I've eaten. This will be where the hard work really starts because as hard as it has been so far and it has been at times, that will become point 0 where I need to carefully balance my calorie intake and exercise output.

My guess is that, I'll enjoy looking and feeling good, that I'll automatically make the better choices, that I need and never again be the overweight bloke, who wasn't happy with the way he looked but didn't have the motivation to do anything about it.